amethyst women's addiction centre
centre amethyst pour femmes toxicomanes
Tel: 613-563-0363 TTY/ATS : 613-563-3995
Amethyst Women's Stories
Alexis
Anne
Delores
Diane
Jean
Mary Anne
Alexis
"Amethyst worked for me because of its philosophy and because it is only women."
Alexis chose Amethyst Women's Addiction Centre because there were only women in the groups. When she first came here she found it very difficult because the only friends that she had were men and she wasn't sure she would be able to communicate with the women here. She grew up a tom boy because she did not like make-up, dresses, etc. She didn't feel that she would gain anything by talking with the women in the group sessions, but she knew that she couldn't talk with her male friends because they wouldn't understand.
Alexis was born in 1958 to two people who emigrated to Canada from Germany. Her father was interned by the Canadian government during the war and her mother emigrated after the Second World War ended. Alexis' mother struggled with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after surviving the war and Alexis said that the symptoms of this disorder were apparent to her the entire time she knew her mother.
Alexis had a learning disability called dyslexia and when she started school, she was often so frustrated that she would come home from school and hit her head repeatedly against the wall. She was often picked on in the neighborhood because of her German accent and at the age of five, was beaten by a group of children. When she went home, she informed her mother that she would never speak another word of German again. She never has and that part of her heritage has been lost.
When Alexis was seven years old, she was subjected to severe sexual abuse by a babysitter. Her mother discovered what was happening and ended the abuse. Both parents could see that this trauma was affecting their child to a great degree and Alexis was showing signs of distress at this tender age. They decided to seek professional help at the University of Ottawa. Alexis was assessed and the psychologist who conducted the assessment indicated that she was in a "schizophrenic process which is on the verge of a breakdown. She is in need of therapeutic help and should be taken away from her present home"*. He did not think that the violence Alexis endured was much of a factor and instead cited her mother who "did not meet the psychological needs of the child". Alexis was indeed taken away from her home and placed in a residence for troubled children. Before Alexis was taken to the home, she endured physical abuse by her mother who by this time was on the verge of a breakdown herself.
Unfortunately, Alexis' life did not improve at the residence where she was once again abused by staff and other residents. Her counsellor sometimes stood Alexis next to her mother and told them both that Alexis' mother had ruined her life. At other times, she was told that no one likes her and she does not have any friends. Alexis lived at the residence from the age of 8-15. When she was nine years old, she discovered that if she drank some alcohol before going to bed at night, she would get a reprieve from her constant nightmares. She secretly brought drinks back from her home when she was visiting and hid the alcohol in the residence to drink at night. At the age of ten, Alexis started smoking cigarettes and she risked getting beaten by the staff at the residence if caught. By the age of 10, Alexis began using marijuana.
Alexis lived in the residence until she was 15 years old. The staff at the residence determined that they "had nothing left to offer her" and she was sent home to her parents. Her mother continued to be physically abusive and at a loss of how to help her daughter who had begun getting in trouble at school and in the community. Alexis had learned to fight and she found herself getting into physical confrontations with other teenagers often. She would often sneak out of her home at night to go drinking.
Alexis was admitted to Lisgar Collegiate High School and was tested for learning disabilities. She was put into special education classes but was then forced to stay away from school due to a knee injury and a subsequent operation.
Alexis was put into general courses in 1977-78 and began to do better in school. Tired of the constant fighting between her parents, Alexis moved into her employer's home as a nanny.
That year, her academic average was a B+. She returned home to her parents when she was in grade 13 and, unfortunately, did not pass the academic year. Alexis was no longer subjected to physical abuse at home but found that she was behaving violently herself as the fighting continued.
In Alexis late teens and early adulthood, her alcohol and marijuana consumption increased and it was more difficult for her to function. She quit a job which she had for 2 years after a reprimand for using drugs. Alexis met a man, while working, and became pregnant. Unfortunately, Alexis had a miscarriage. Before she could process this loss, she was pregnant almost immediately. She stopped drinking. She could not face life without alcohol.
For herself, but she did not want her children's health to be affected by alcohol so she quit for almost two years as she was pregnant for 21 months out of 24. Her mother died 18 days before the birth of her first child in 1982. One year later, she gave birth to her second child.
In 1983, Alexis felt that there was something wrong with the way she handled her small babies. She felt inadequate and she was having feelings of violence toward her children. She took the step of calling the Children's Aid Society fearing for the safety of her children. After that, Alexis found her drinking escalating and her temper harder to control. On three occasions, she hit her children. Alexis was tormented by her drinking and by her feelings that her children deserved better than she was able to give them. She phoned her worker at CAS and the children were placed. Alexis still has tears in her eyes when she describes the day that she took action to protect her children and have her beautiful babies taken away from her. They were placed in foster care for four months. By this time, her use of marijuana had almost stopped but after her separation from her children, she was drinking more.
From 1984-1994 she worked on and off' at Club 90 Bingo Hall on St. Laurent Boulevard. They put up with a lot of her drinking. She could have made serious mistakes that would have cost them money when she was calling. She had bottles hidden outside so that she could go out and grab a drink. A lot of the customers complained about her, but they kept her working anyhow.
In 1986, Alexis had enough and went to a medical detox and a co-ed treatment centre. She found the program too difficult and could not stop drinking. She persevered and went to another treatment centre in the U.S. where they discharged her after 24 hours indicating that they could not help her because of her mental health issues. At this time Alexis was given prescriptions for a host of medications including anti-psychotic medications which she remains on till this day. She attempted suicide on two occasions by overdosing on her medications. She subsequently left her husband in 1987 and gave him complete custody of the children feeling that she was unable to care for them.
In 1988 Alexis had another major overdose and came very close to losing her life. She was hospitalized for two weeks. She received a psychiatric diagnosis at this time: borderline personality disorder and high anxiety depressive reaction. When Alexis talks of this time in her life, she says that drinking had taken over everything. She no longer consumed other drugs but drinking was out of control and she felt it. In 1990, she remarried a man who was severely verbally abusive and she continued to drink while taking her medications. Alexis found the strength to stop drinking for two years between1993-1995. In the summer of 1995 however, staying in an unhappy marriage and missing her children led her to drink secretly again.
She knew she could not continue living this way and in 1996 left her husband. Her addiction grew however and she drank more and more to cope while continuing to take her medications. In April 1996, Alexis' mental health deteriorated and she was hospitalized for six weeks. Shortly after this she had another major overdose and does not remember almost an entire month of that painful summer.
After this last overdose, Alexis' psychiatrist recommended that she live in a group home for psychiatric patients. At this time, Alexis was very angry that she was being placed. She lost a great deal of hope and became very depressed. Her drinking increased. At the group home the atmosphere was often stressful and her temper often got the best of her. One day she destroyed a pool table with an ax. The group home decided to give her a second chance. Things did not get any easier for Alexis and in February of 1997, her father passed away.
In 1997, Alexis decided to move out of the residence. She tried to live independently for almost one year but continued to struggle with her dependency on alcohol. In 1998, she was back at the group home and did not give up on herself despite the despair, being ill again and hospitalized for an overdose this time for four weeks. After this last hospitalization, she had befriended several women and felt she would be capable of talking with women, so she called Amethyst Women's Addiction Centre and decided to work toward her recovery.
She found that herself and most of the women at Amethyst shared the same problems and issues. But, once again, Alexis was in the throes of her addiction, and she was unable to maintain sobriety for very long periods of time.
She was referred to an addiction program at the local psychiatric hospital but Alexis did not complete the program. She persevered and returned to Amethyst Women's Addiction Centre. In 1999, she completed the day treatment program at Amethyst. In September of 2000, Alexis was finding life at the group home continually stressful and had a number of fights with other residents (often to protect another resident or staff member).
Alexis decided to try to live independently again. She moved in with a friend and relapsed. After three months of living independently and watching her addiction progress yet again, Alexis did what she felt she needed to do to protect herself and negotiated moving back into the group home.
In 2000, she had an argument with her boyfriend and walked across the street to have a beer. She drank half of the beer she had ordered then left. She was very angry with herself because she had relapsed after so long. Alexis realized that she needed help in dealing with her anger so she took a course at Amethyst entitled "Anger Solutions for Women". This course helped her to realize that whenever she got angry that was when she wanted to drink and to smoke marijuana. The course helped her to recognize the build-up of anger and find ways of channeling that anger into positive solutions. Since that time, she has not reacted violently nor had any violent confrontations for over 1.5 years. Alexis also took the courageous step of taking the Sexual Abuse Support Program for women who are in recovery from substance use offered at Amethyst Womens Addiction Centre. She felt that it was finally time to face her demons and nightmares. This was a very intensive program and Alexis nightmares returned full force. It took her three of the Sexual Abuse Survivor Groups to feel that she could move on with her life. She says she is stronger now and she is glad that she decided to put this work into it. She also attended the Relapse Prevention Workshop to help her in her quest for sobriety.
She has the utmost respect for the women who come to Amethyst Women's Addiction Centre. In listening to them at group meetings, she feels that their stories are a lot worse then hers.
Alexis has been sober now for 5½ years. She has searched and searched for the help she needed and for her own voice and strength. She has found it. She participates in group sessions regularly at Amethyst Women's Addiction Centre and finds it quite easy to share with the other women. She sees a psychologist and a social worker outside of her addiction work.
Alexis gives talks through AA to the community whenever she is invited. She said that she wants to help people by her own experiences and she suspects she may have something to offer. Today, aside from her community work, Alexis is planning on getting married in the summer of 2003. She met and fell in love with her fiancé at her group home where he is also a resident. He is a kind and respectful man and they support each other while they struggle with their mental health. She is very proud of her two children who are both adults now and have proved to be strong and capable people.
"Amethyst has been here for me for 5 years. It's a wonderful place, a lot of support. I feel that if I hadn't come to Amethyst that I wouldn't be sober now. Amethyst helped me feel the feelings which I had, cry my tears, let go of my anger and be me. I've learned something from every person who I met here," says Alexis.
Alexis touches and inspires people just by her presence. She also gives back to the community by giving talks on living with addiction and mental illness to the women in the local
detention centre. She has also given talks to young women in treatment centres.
* These quotes were taken directly from the assessment summary written in 1965, with the client's permission
Anne
My father, while being an excellent provider, was both physically and verbally abusive. My mother and my siblings were always waiting for the next shoe to drop, so to speak, and it did, with my father being allowed to go amok as it suited his purposes. In those days, I am reminding you, no one addressed domestic violence, and I thought that every one lived like this.
The words, Be a nice girl, Anne, still resonate within me, and looking back, it was not easy for me to be nice all the time, and comply, comply, comply. And certainly when I was in my forties, being nice all the time became impossible, and I began to seethe, and thats when I started to drink. Another problem: nice women didnt drink, so I made sure that I did not drink at social gatherings. I binge-drank, and then only when everyone in my family was nicely tucked into bed. I awoke those mornings-after feeling despondent and guilty, vowing over and over again never to do this again, but it was not that easy to stop.
During one of my binges, I fell and broke my left wrist, and my drinking problem had to be addressed. I guess you might say that this event was my hitting the bottom. My family doctor sent me to a psychiatrist, who willingly prescribed Valium to ease my anxiety. What great treatment&I now had Valium and booze.
At about this time, 1980, when I was 48 years old, my son was finishing off at Carleton University and was approached by a group of women to help them do some research. The agency for which he was working was Amethyst Womens Addiction Centre, and at Chris suggestion, I, was scared out of my wits, mustered up nerve to telephone Amethyst to finally acknowledge my dependency on drugs and alcohol. I was aware that Amethyst was a feminist Agency, and in those days, the word feminist was threatening, to say the least, the popular consensus at the time being that nice women were not feminists. Another dilemma for me: what was I doing going to a feminist agency for help.
Now comes the good part, but it was not easy. In fact it was downright painful, but, taking part in Amethyst program, which was then in its formative stage, was the best thing that ever happened to me, and, I might add, to my family. I was not judged by anyone at Amethyst. Rather, with the help of so many caring women, and this includes the counsellors and the women who were in the program with me, I was able to address the issues/stresses that had led to my addiction. I was able to share what I learned with my family, and my husband, who had some kinks in his armour, sought help so that he could be a more rounded individual. We were both products of the environment in which we grew up.
To this day, 25 years later, I marvel at how much I learned from the women with whom I shared my life experiences. I learned how to be assertive, and I learned that while having a drink was okay for someone else, it was not okay for me. I learned to accept my feelings, good and bad, and learned finally that I did not have to be nice all the time! I was encouraged to explore avenues outside of my home that would fulfill me, and so began my studies in the English Department at the University of Ottawa and my foray into quilting chemical free.
As I try to give a little back to Amethyst, I continue to learn from the women that I meet and work with, and thats been a real bonus and a real blessing. I owe the life I have now to Amethyst and to the women who believed in me.
Delores
Dolores has been trying, for over sixteen years and seven therapies, to deal with her addiction. The difficulties she faced were that in all of the group therapy session that she attended prior to Amethyst, there were men in the groups. So, sharing issues of sexual, physical and emotional abuse was difficult to do with men in the room.
Dolores was physically and sexually abused as a child by her mother and step-father. When she met her first partner, he physically abused her, but Dolores thought that this was "normal". When she left that relationship she started another one with another physically abusive partner.
"I was embarrassed and ashamed that at age 34, I was so immature, but now at age 37, I know that I have matured and that I can make the decisions which affect my life and that I am capable of staying sober ... It's a one-day-at-a-time thing."
Dolores first came to Amethyst after attending a residential program where she says "I didn't feel comfortable or safe". When she first met with a counsellor at Amethyst, she says that "the counsellor knew where I was at". She attended the group sessions, and although she was very shy and it took her a long time to share with the other women in the group, she found the experience to be very beneficial and found the other women in the group to be very supportive.
"On my first visit to Amethyst, I had no money. I looked like hell, I didn't make any sense, I had the stupidest little problems, and Amethyst was there to pick me up and walk me through and help me.
Nobody judged or criticized me at Amethyst. There's no one way or one route for everyone to follow. I've been given so many options, and nobody has told me what to do. Everybody has different needs and everybody's needs are met accordingly at Amethyst. My needs have definitely been met."
"The cravings come very often when you first stop but, the cravings last 15 seconds, by the time you get you shoes on, your coat on, and walk out the door to buy that bottle, it's gone.. So, you may as well not even put your shoes on."
"When I was 27 I had my daughter, I was working two jobs because I wanted to give my children a house and a wonderful home." "My children have paid dearly for the things that I have done, I have also paid dearly, but it's been my road and Amethyst was on that road. If it weren't for Amethyst, where would I be?"
"I would never want to go back to drinking the way I did, I couldn't do that to my children, or to myself. I know that it's a one-day-at-a-time thing"
"Because we have this disease, it is not who we are. We all have qualities and the women who work at Amethyst see that. Because we have one disease, that doesn't make up our whole person, that's just one part of us. We all have potential, it's just arresting that disease and learning to deal with our feelings, learning to deal with our problems and then finding happiness and peace. It's a process, and it's something that I'm not finished with, but I'm proud of how far I've gone. I wish I was a little quicker."
Diane
Diane has struggled with depression and mood swings for most of her adult life. Initially she turned to alcohol to try to control her moods. When this didn't work she sought professional help from a psychiatrist, which resulted in a series of prescriptions for tranquilizers and antidepressants. Unaware that she was addicted to alcohol and prescription drugs, Diane phoned Amethyst to inquire about the safety of the drug Lithium, commonly prescribed for manic-depressive disorder. Her doctor was recommending she take the drug, even though she had shown no signs of the disorder in previous testing.
Amethyst's two-year program was the beginning of a new life for Diane. During this time she established new support networks and began intensive therapy which helped her to explore the roots of her addiction. The work still continues today for Diane, but now the lows are never as low, and she has many new tools to use to combat them.
Throughout her struggle, her husband and three children have provided invaluable support, and as a result of her experience, the family has grown in unexpected ways that have brought them closer. Today, Diane reaches out to other women going through similar struggles by organizing such groups as Women for Sobriety and by sharing her wisdom and experience in a number of support group.
Jean
In her late twenties, Jean underwent major surgery. The experience was traumatic, but what Jean remembers best are the drugs she was given for the pain, explaining "liked the way they made me feel". Life had dealt Jean some painful blows in the previous few years, including the death of a child. She had never been able to talk about these events and the painkillers took the edge off her sorrow. This was the beginning of years of struggling with an addiction to prescription drugs.
Throughout her struggle Jean completely lost her sense of identify. And she almost lost her life too. "When I first came to Amethyst I was close to death" Jean recalls. "If I hadn't been accepted into the program, I don't think I would have survived, or wanted to survive."
Jean believes her time at Amethyst made her feel life was worth living. With a diminished sense of self, the most important skill she learned was how to listen to her own voice - to believe in herself. "I was always a people-pleaser. I had to learn not to worry so much what other people think; they can have their opinion and I can have mine."
This skill was put to the test recently when Jean once again was admitted to the hospital and the doctor on call wanted her to take tranquilizers to relax. Jean refused, under great pressure, and hopes that her insistence made an impression. "He (the doctor) couldn't understand that for an addict, one pill can be very dangerous."
Today, Jean feels that she is a completely different person. She is more honest with herself and other people and that feels really good. She laughs easily as she describes how she has become more involved in her community, especially as a member of Amethyst's Speakers' Bureau. "If you had told me a few years ago that I would speak in public, I would have said you're crazy!" It's wonderful to hear her laugh.
Mary Anne
Mary Anne laughs as she describes her new position as an administration clerk at a national pharmaceutical association, and admits that the job is somewhat ironic. Six years ago, Mary Anne was addicted to over-the-counter medication and alcohol. When she called Amethyst Women's Addiction Centre for help, she was taking the prescription drug, Fiorinal with alcohol on a daily basis.
The Amethyst program helped Mary Anne to regain control of her life through examination of the factors underlying her addiction. Low self-esteem and poor body image kept Mary Anne reaching for drugs to relax and feel accepted. While at Amethyst, she learned to begin replacing this coping mechanism with more life affirming options, such as adopting a self-nurturing attitude and using relaxation constructively. She has never looked back.